AMERICAN BULLSHIT
Greetings, sports fans! (not) Since we don’t have George Carlin to kick around, anymore, somebody has to do this. Why not me?
1) Feeling Sorry For The Food: Only a nation of neurotic, guilty, over-fed, over-priveleged fat fucks like Americans could possibly start feeling sorry for our food. Poor cows. Poor little moo cows. And the poor little piggies. Nobody seems to feel sorry for the chickens, though. That’s because there’s nothing cuddly about a chicken. Poor piggy, poor moo-cow, fuck the chickens. But they die so horribly. What the fuck? You think it would make the cow feel better if we killed him in a nice way? Would that make it easier for you? And don’t give me this New Age bollocks about how humanely the Indians and the people of prehistoric Europe lived in harmony with blah, blah, blah, and yackety-schmackety. I don’t think the bison and woolly mammoths and so on felt any better about being killed and eaten by an allegedly sensitive being who allegedly had deep feelings of communion with their spiritual wuddyucallit. The animal was still dead, and if you ask me, getting hit in the head with a sledgehammer or shot at the base of the skull with a large-calibre weapon is a lot less quick and painless that slowly dying as your body is pierced by arrows and spears thrust at you by screaming hairless monkeys who do a dance of jubilation while you bleed out in agony watching the rest of your herd flee in terror.
2) The Apocalpse Will Not Be Televised: Okay, I’ve had about enough of all these fucking end of the world shows where they get scientists and historians talking about evens that have happened, or may happen, or even probably will happen, and juxtapose them with the ravings of Bible-thumping fundamentalist douchemeiers and prophecy-spouting New age cruds. What kind of bullshit is this? Any shit-stain who doesn’t spell “cat” with a “K” can vaguely remember that all they ever told him about at school in history class was war, famines, catastrophes, natural disasters, bad governments, asshole rulers, and lots of other generally fucked-up shit. Listen, people, every generation of miserable fearful fucks who ever crawled across this planet believed that their time was the worst to be alive and that the end of the world was coming. They came ,and went, and the world was still here. We, their equally cringing and fearful naked monkey descendants have come. And after we’ve gone, the world will still be here. You’re not the first, you won’t be the last. Unless that big-ass asteroid hits. Which Nostradamus DID NOT predict and the Bible DOES NOT mention. Fuck you. Go home and read a goddam book, ya moron.
3) Oh My God, I’m Soooooo Fat: Fuck you. Most of the people in the world are starving, and you’re crying with a pizza under either arm and two Twinkies stuffed into your fat fuck face that you’re too fat? Most people in the world would kill to be too fat. Enjoy the surplus. Eat. Just not so fucking much, okay? And get a little exercise once in awhile. As long as you only take up one seat on the bus or in the airplane, you’re probably alright.
4) Oh My God, You’re Soooooo Fat: Fuck you, you chicken-legged freak. If you don’t like to eat, why don’t you go see a goddamn doctor. There’s either something wrong with your guts, or something wrong with your mind. Food is necessary to life. If you really don’t want to live, fine. It’s a free country. Just leave me alone and don’t blame me for being a normal monkey and wanting to eat food.
5) I Can’t Help Myself, I’m Addicted! : Bullshit. Big, fat, steaming fly-ridden pile of horseshit. You got addicted to coke, smack, booze, meth, oven-cleaner, cough syrup, morphine, and so on and so on because YOU LIKED IT! If the most addictive substance in the world was a drug that made you projectile vomit until you started puking up blood in addition to causing uncontrollable shitting and the constant sensation of actually being on fire, nobody would be addicted to it. If you didn’t like the way whatever you got hooked on made you feel, you wouldn’t have done it ever again after the first time. Take some fuckin’ responsibility, will you? Look in the mirror and tell yourself you really enjoy being a junkie, cos this shit you’re hooked on feels so damn good. Now go and get clean, and remember who it was that got you into this mess. YOU, fuckface.
6) Addicted to Everything: When the fuck did everything you could possibly overdo become an addiction? It’s insulting to people who have really has ACTUAL FUCKING ADDICTIONS when you say you’re addicted to chocolate. Or shopping. Or the goddamn internet. Or sex. Or food. Those are my favourites. WAKE THE FUCK UP, WILL YOU? Eating and fucking are our most basic biological drives as living creatures. If you are not “addicted” to eating and fucking, then there’s SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU. As for the rest of these nut-jobs, they’re just using the vocabulary of addiction as a crutch so they can have a disease too and get some more sympathy. Fuck you. Get your act together, motherfucker. Go talk to some poor bastard who’s been living in a refrigerator box under a bridge for ten years because he became a drunk or a junkie and destroyed his life. Tell him you’re a shopaholic. I hope he beats you half to death with a piece of rebar and takes your money, you whiny, selfish fuck.
7) I Hate all Spics, Niggers, Chinks, Intellectuals, Beaners, Gooks, Kikes, Dagos, Wetbacks, Hunkies, Polacks, Catholics, Bitches, Liberals, Towel-Heads, Swamis, Sand Niggers, White Trash, Goddless Fucking Atheists, Fags Micks, etc. etc, et al, ad nauseum… Who don’t you hate, asshole? White Protestant Rich Fucks who never really understood their fathers? Crackers in KKK robes? Hey Archie, you know what? You hate almost everybody in the whole fuckin’ country. I’ll betcha it really bothers you that an Irish Catholic and a black guy with a white mother and an African father just got elected to the highest office in the country. Why don’t you do the other 7/8ths of us a big favour and shoot yourselves over it. We need the real estate, and the surplus jobs. Thanks.
8) …except Ralphie. He’s my best friend. He’s one of the good ones. : Typical American bullshit. Some asshole upholding racism in principle while owning lots of rap or blues records, eating at Chinese and Indian restaurants, having gay, black, and female friends, and marrying an Italian, an Irish person, or a Jew. And the prick usually has a goddamn Polish grandmother or a Mexican grandfather or something. Are we confused as shit in this country, or what?
9) Is this activity appropriate for my children? The children? Any children who happen to exist anywhere in this country? Hey, asshole, if it’s your rugrats you’re concerned with, and you don’t like the movie/game/book/words/other kids’ parents/teacher/ school policy, then you sure can do something about it. Don’t let your kids watch the movie or read the book or move them to a different school. But don’t try to tell everybody else what they do and don’t want their rugrats to do. And if you don’t have any children, shut the fuck up! What the fuck do you know about children, anyway? You don’t have any, asshole!
10) In my day… Okay, anybody who begins a sentence with this phrase and isn’t kidding needs to be killed. Slowly. With a plastic fucking spork. There are no good old days, friends and neighbours. There was never a time in recorded human history where young people didn’t think older people were full of shit, and nobody was lazy and stupid, and everybody went to church and nobody fucked anybody before they got married and nobody committed adultery and nobody left their wife or husband for somebody else and everybody respected the army and the cops and the reigning government and nobody spit in the street or swore or got drunk or high and pissed in the street. Human behaviour has been fairly consistent these past 10,000 years or so. If anything, people at least try to behave a little better in public now than they did in the 14th century. And if you think the Victorians were so fucking great, I suggest you read some of the sicko shit they got off on. It’s mostly flogging and incestuous lesbians. I tell ya, in my day, the one about the guy played by John Holmes who came to clean out the pipes for that lady I wished was me, that was more than enough. Geez.
